How to Create the Desire to Change
Let’s face it. We know what Scriptures says. We know the sins we’ve kept alive for years. They are not changing. Now really think of this... Do you really want to change? You know you are supposed to change. You know you should change, but do you really want to change?
Even as I type this, I feel somewhat rattled. I hate admitting that my desire to change pett sinful behaviors is too low, so I am only fooling myself and attempting to fool others, when I say that I want to change. The fact is, I have not wanted to.
What makes it worse is that I believe the Gospel. Worse still is that I am also a therapist and a coach who’s built a practice around supporting people through their changes.
I am sure you can relate when I tell you I have attempted to change things in my life at different points, only to fall back into them. Yes, there have been some great and true changes. However, there are some pet sins that I’ve had no success with, and after so many attempts to change, I’ve given up. I don’t want to try again only to fail again. But I need to repent. And I need to change.
So how do we create sustainable change when we don’t actually want to change?
It Starts With Remembering Who We Are
Do you know who you are? If you believe the Gospel, you know that you were bought with a price. You have no right to define who you are. Only your master, the Lord Jesus Christ, can determine who you are. Even if you tried, if it did not line up with who He says you are, it would be a big fat lie.
So pay attention... Who does He say you are? He says, no matter how you have performed, are performing, and will perform, you are His dearly loved child. God loves you like he loves Christ. He loves you this way not because of your performance, but because of Christ’s performance. If you could “earn” love, it would not be love. But because his love is a gift , he will never tire of you or get sick of you. He won’t say, “If you sin just one more time in this area, then...” His love for you is fixed forever, and not even He can change that. The Gospel is a free gift. Never earned, and it can never be returned. There is so much to who you are. For a complete list just read this.
Then We Need To See That Our Sin Is Not In Keeping With Who We Are
When Paul confronts Peter in Gal 2:11-21, focus on what he says in vs 14: “But when I saw that their conduct was not in step with the truth of the gospel, I said...” Notice that Paul does not say that Peter and the other Jews were breaking a rule when they showed discrimination (even though they were), he said they were not living in step with the Gospel. In other words, their discrimination did not reflect who they are. It reflected a sinful attitude.
Whatever our pet sins are, they are out of character with who we are in Christ. They can never help us keep in step with the Gospel. Never. Let that really sink in.
Ultimately, the desire to change the things we “should” change comes from our relationship with Christ. It comes from seeing that it is He who defines us, not we ourselves. Our definition allows for pet sins, which in turn diminish who we really are.
So chew on the fact that desire would come if you really knew and understood who you are in Christ. Let the truth of who you are sink from your head to your heart. In order to chew, you can ask yourself questions like:
If I really believed who Christ says I am, what would be different about my desire for this pet sin?
If I really knew who Christ says I am, how would that affect the way I’ve indulged this pet sin?
If I really knew who I am in Christ, how much room would I give that pet sin in the future?
If I really knew who I am in Christ, how would I manage the temptation to give in to it again?
If I really knew who I am in Christ, how radical would I be in removing the factors that make it easier for me to give in to that sin?
If I really knew who I am in Christ, with what could I replace that sin?
If I really knew who I am in Christ, how steadily would I fix my eyes on Him?
If I really knew who I am in Christ, how would fixing my eyes on Him affect the desire to give in to that pet sin?
Then give extremely detailed, well-thought-out answers to those questions. Get curious. See how the various people in your life would answer those questions about you. Learn from them. Look up the answers in Scripture. See how godly authors, speakers and preachers would answer these questions. Keep compiling a detailed list of answers until the truth of who you are sinks from your head to your heart. The more it sinks, the greater will be your desire to be free of that pet sin.
Then Remember That Because of the Gospel, Your Life is One of Gratitude
It is a natural human response to want to pay back someone for something good they have done for us, or given to us. But as we spend more time chewing on the truth of who we are, who Christ is, what He’s done, what He’s currently doing, and what He will do, our hearts can only be filled with gratitude. The faith He has given us to receive the Gospel is the greatest good anyone at any time or in any place could have given us. In no way could we ever pay Him back.
As we look at the Gospel itself, we see the byproducts that have come to us because we believe the Gospel, and gratitude can be our only response. That gratitude leads to obedience, which is exactly what God wants. His great gift of faith only becomes more real and tangible to us as we chew.
Now Radically Remove
The more grateful we become, the more we want to obey. Have you ever fallen in love? When you first fall in love, the loved one’s “wish is your command.” There is a strong desire to please them. We would go to great lengths to please them. But Christ loved us even more than that. His love for the Father and us led Him to lead a perfectly obedient life for our sake. But then He paid the ultimate price for our disobedience, suffering an eternity’s worth of wrath for our sins. Having paid it in full, He rose from the dead. Even now He intercedes for us. This recognition of His love leads us to incredible dedication.
No, we won’t be sinless on this side of Heaven, but we can certainly love Him more and more, to the point that we give up our pet sins and truly experience the freedom that comes from complete repentance.
The more we love Him, the more radical we will become in our fight with sin. Instead of finding ways to indulge our pet sins, we will use all our creativity to find ways to avoid them, in love to Christ. We will find ourselves eliminating things from our lives, or purifying the way we use them.
And Then Radically Replace
As we radically remove things, we need to replace them. What with? That’s right. We increase our focus on Him. We spend more time with Him. We enjoy Him. We learn new things about Him. We get consumed with Him. We talk to Him. He becomes our chief end. He becomes what we live for. We feed that. The more we feed that, the greater we will fight.
When we fall, we won’t do what we’ve done in the past and beat ourselves up. Beating ourselves is like saying, “Christ’s sacrifice wasn’t enough. We need to punish ourselves.” No. Instead, we will treat ourselves with grace. After all, that is what God is doing. Part of treating ourselves with grace is to learn from our falls. We see what else we need to eliminate. We get back in step with the Gospel.
Think for a second... Some of us were abused or treated horribly by people we deeply loved. If you truly loved them, what would you want them to do right now? I know for me, all I would want is clear ownership of what they had done and a desire to build a healthy relationship.
If they tried to make it up to me, that would be incredibly insulting. What I went through was too big. How could they make it up? No, instead, I would want them. Because I love them, I would want to be reconciled. Reconciliation would be possible, as far as I’m concerned. I don’t want them to spend time beating themselves up and staying away from me until they feel like they’ve done a “good enough job” at beating themselves up. Staying away would be even more painful and frankly, insulting. They could never pay for it even if they had a thousand years.
So stop beating yourself up. Just own. Repent. Just get back in step with Christ. He is the Father of the prodigal son. He wants to throw a reconciliation party for you.
Make Sure People Are Praying
None of this would be possible in our own strength. We are too weak. We fall short every time. Notice that we are not talking about the willpower to develop desire or change behavior. Instead, we are talking about the refueling that comes from fixing our eyes on Christ. The more we fix our eyes on Him, the more desire we find to change, because now we are the branch that has been reconnected to the vine. We need others’ help to keep fixing our eyes on Him. We need to talk about Him more. We need to study Him more, especially with others. We really need others praying for us, and us for them. We need the power of prayer to bathe us frequently. We also need to be engaged in prayer as well.
Reinforce The Good That Comes
As the desire increases through chewing on the Gospel, notice that having more of Christ is itself the reward. We stop using Him as a means to get our true gods because we long to be with Him. We develop a hunger for Him. Yes, it’s cool that we get distance from our pet sins, but the real joy comes from understanding Him more and having a closer relationship with Him.
The desire to change the things we “should” change comes as we really look at who we are in Christ and see how the sin doesn’t line up with it. As Proverbs 4:23 says, behind all we do, including our sins, is a belief. Understanding what that belief is and dispelling the belief with truth leads to lasting change. Sometimes, without naming the belief, the belief gets dispelled just by studying who He is, what He’s done (including who we are in Christ), what He is doing, and what He will do. As we become obsessed with Him, the power of the vine flows through us. Ultimately, that is not only what creates the desire we’ve needed to make real change, but it also leads to the change itself.
Chew On This:
What will help you to believe who you really are?
Ryan C. Bailey, M.A.C.C. is President and CEO of 1st Principle Group (1PG). 1PG provides a unique Gospel-centered approach to counseling, coaching and training for the specific needs of each client. He meets clients face-to-face, over the phone or virtually via Skype, FaceTime, and the like.
* This blog is an amalgamation of a few different clients. No one single client is being singled out.