How to Help Children in a Divorce, Part 1

God hates divorce.  He intended that a couple would be married for life. We see in Scripture that a Biblical divorce can happen because of adultery or desertion(s). In over three decades of working with Christians, most of the time when a divorce happens, it is because one spouse doesn’t really believe the Gospel.  There are rare times when both believe the Gospel, but one is unrepentant and is moving towards the hard-heartedness of the immoral brother in 1 Corinthians 5. 

The other spouse is devastated, powerless, and unsure how to save the marriage. After trying a few different things to save the marriage, divorce is inevitable.  Now, the other spouse needs to face one of their fears: how to tell the children?

Divorce is difficult and unsettling for children, so preparing ahead of time to help them make the transition is extremely valuable. Before you talk with your child about an upcoming divorce, pray and think about what you will say.  If possible, talk with your co-parent and agree beforehand on what and how you will share.

Ideally, have both parents present for the conversation.  Children usually only hear the first two sentences, so say what is essential first. When talking to your child about a divorce, share calmly, succinctly, and truthfully that the divorce will happen.  Make sure that you are communicating at an age-appropriate level for the child.  

Make it clear that the divorce is not their fault and that they could have done nothing to prevent it, nor is there anything they can do to bring it back.  Although that sounds harsh, it helps your child to accept, forgive, and heal from the impact the divorce will have on them.

After telling your child about a divorce, allow them to ask questions and process their feelings.  Don’t force emotions or make the child feel like they need to put on a “happy face” by saying things like, “You know this is for the best, don’t you?”  Your child may feel a range of emotions, depending on the situation. Listen to their words, empathize with them, and take their concerns seriously.  Let them know that questions are welcome, and answer questions truthfully and at an age-appropriate level.

Even in the face of divorce, it is not right for a Christian to belittle or humiliate their former spouse.  Make sure that you are respectful of your co-parent, especially in front of your child.  As much as possible, present a united front in that you both love and are committed to caring for your child.

Do not use this time to argue or use your child as a pawn.  Avoid involving your child in disputes or financial settlements at any point.  If the child needs to know something about a problem, such as a custody disagreement, explain it simply and reassuringly.  You might say, "We love and want to be with you.  We are trying to figure out what we think is best for you and getting help from other people.”

Most importantly, during the conversation, tell your child that you love them, will never leave them, and that the divorce is not their fault.  Remind your child that God loves them and that He will always be with them no matter what.  Be prepared that depending on the age of the child, they may have anger towards God for allowing the divorce and question His goodness.  You must connect before you correct their beliefs here.  Empathize strongly with them, and prove that you understand their perspective (understanding is not the same as agreeing).  Then, when appropriate, they must understand that all humans have limited knowledge.  God sees everything and knows everything.  He even sees all the ripple effects across time of different choices.  So if we knew everything He knew, was as good as He was, and could do anything, we would have allowed the same thing to happen.  Obviously, at first, that is tough for anyone to swallow.  But eventually, that may be what reassures them of God’s goodness through this divorce.

If your child has witnessed conflict or anger, reassure the child that you are not mad at them and explain that you are getting help from other adults, such as a therapist or a pastor.

Our next post will examine ways to help your child cope and process their emotions after a divorce.

Chew On This:

How is your child likely to respond to being told about the divorce?  Given that, what will most help them in the moment?