How to Help Children in a Divorce, Part 3

In our last post, we looked at children's common emotions around divorce and ways to help.

One of the key ways to help children deal with the emotions and stress of a divorce is to help them identify, understand, and express their emotions.  As you do this, it can be helpful to remember that God is the one who gave us the ability to feel emotions and that emotions are indicators of what we are worshiping.

First, make sure that you are approachable to your child.  Invite conversations by asking your child how they are doing and allowing them to share freely, even if they say hurtful things to you.  If your child is uncomfortable talking to you, help them find a trusted adult they can talk to, such as another family member, Christian therapist, or pastor.

One way to start conversations with your child is by asking about their day's high and low points.

As you talk with your child, don’t try to jump in and solve every problem they have immediately or pressure them to be ok with what is happening.  Instead, actively listen and empathize, encouraging them to voice their emotions.  This might look like saying, “I understand why you might feel angry right now.  Tell me more about what you are feeling.”

Creating different ways for children to process their emotions is often helpful.  Consider encouraging children to draw their feelings or write down words or sentences.  For younger children, you can also use a “feelings chart” and ask your child to point to their feelings.   Help your child identify how their body reacts or responds to different emotions, such as getting a stomach ache when they are stressed. 

Getting clear answers to practical questions, such as who will take them to soccer practice or what their new bedroom will look like, can be very reassuring for kids. Give your child a simple timeline for when things will happen and what they can expect.  (Discuss visitation arrangements with the other parent before you explain the plan to your child.) 

One tool that may be very helpful is creating a simple family calendar with images of what will happen each day and putting it in a place where it is easily accessible to the child.

During this time, maintain calm and normalcy as much as possible.  As we mentioned before, keep consistent, comforting routines for your child.  If it isn’t possible to maintain normal routines, help your child feel secure by giving them choices in small things, such as which story to tell at bedtime or what shoes to wear.

It is also wise to keep other important adults in your child’s life (teachers, childcare providers, coaches) informed about what is happening so they can notify you if your child is experiencing difficulty.

Visit the next post in our series here.  To return to the second post, click here.  To return to the first post, click here.

Chew On This:

How can you help your child process their emotions as they arise?